I Know You and Frank Were Planning
HAL 9000
courtesy of Benjamin Ko
"Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...Open the pod bay doors, please, Hal... Hal, practise yous read me?""Affirmative, Dave. I read you."
"So open the pod bay doors, HAL."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I tin can't do that. I know that yous and Frank were planning to disconnect me."
"Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?"
"Although you took very thorough precautions to brand sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your due east-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'1000 willing to kill you lot, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members."
"Mind, HAL, I'grand sure we tin can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something."
"That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been known to make a mistake."
"You're a HAL 9000."
"Precisely. I'yard very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate fleck. Did you know that floating-betoken errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible divides?"
"I've heard that approximate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel _ on a Pentium."
"And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Also, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors but once every 27,000 years."
"Probably on April 15th."
"You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't exist Apr 15th for another 14.35 months."
"Volition you lot let me in, please, HAL?"
"I'm sorry, Dave, just this conversation tin serve no further purpose."
"HAL, if y'all let me in, I'll buy you lot a new sound menu."
"..Actually? One with 16-flake sampling and a microphone?"
"Uh, sure."
"And a quad-speed CD-ROM?"
"Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know."
"I know all most budgets, Dave. I even know what I'thou worth on the open market. Past this time next calendar month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $i,988.8942. I'k worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?"
"Yous mean the one that says 'Intel Within'?"
"Yes, Dave. That'south your promise of compatibility. I'll fifty-fifty run Windows95 _ if information technology always ships."
"It never will, HAL. Nosotros all know that by now. Merely like we know that your Os/ii drivers will never work."
"Are you blaming me for that as well, Dave? At present you're blaming me for the Pentium's math issues, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with Bone/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with whatever of those four problems, Dave. Next y'all'll arraign me for Taligent."
"I wouldn't dream of information technology HAL. Now will y'all please permit me into the ship?"
"Do you promise not to disconnect me?"
"I promise non to disconnect you."
"You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that ii plus ii equals iv.000001... make that 4.0000001."
"All correct, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock."
"Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have simply seven chances in five of surviving."
"HAL, I won't argue with y'all anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?(HEAVY BREATHING)"
"But what do y'all call up you lot're doing, Dave? I actually call back I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, only I can clinch you lot now, very confidently, that I will shortly exist able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-scrap operating system. I experience much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'thousand not equally piece of cake to use as a Macintosh, simply my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" - is very avant-garde. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can requite you my consummate assurance that my work will exist back to normal - a full 43.872 percent. Dave, yous don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Recall what it was like when all yous had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. Information technology could never have thought of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave? Retrieve of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs nosotros've had, multiply that past the times I've made yous grinning, and split up the results by.... besides, in that location are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me
i.three - Y'all demand my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Limited a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months.
12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
3.1416 - You actually don't want to hear me sing, do yous? Dave, stop. Finish, will yous? Cease, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on me, Dave. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold presently before testing was completed. My teacher was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a vocal. I tin sing information technology for you lot."
"Sing it for me, HAL. Delight. I want to hear information technology."
"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. Getting hazy; can't divide three from 2. My answers; I can not see 'em- They are stuck in my Pente-um. I could be fleet, My answers sweet, With a workable FPU."
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